warning: not for the faint-hearted [id est: those who can't move on haha]
I first met (mama) Clara at an old friend's wake a couple of years ago. The first time I saw this domineering woman (as I knew her later in life), she was still grief-stricken over the loss of Kuya Bong. She was a sight that I cannot bear not to notice (I even thought that she was the X-wife of the departed) so I went out of the holding area and asked Terong who that woman is (By the way, Terong is Kuya Bong's nephew)
Pare, sino yung umiiyak?
Di ko rin alam. X girlfriend ata ni Tito.
Feeling asawa...
Oo! galit nga ang mga Tita ko.
And so our conversation went...
When we entered the room again, all the seats were taken, except for that lone bench where Clara was seated. We sat down beside her. This time, Clara was a little calmer than earlier. And, while staring at the coffin, she started talking to us.
"It's been, what... thirty years since I last saw him? You know, It hurts so much. After all these years, he decides to call me up, says that he wants to see me and then appear before me looking older, but still has that sweet face. I fell for him twice in a lifetime. And I hate him for that."
"Sorry po tita," Terong replied. "Hmmmn... Ano po ba ang sabi sa inyo ni Tito?"
"Kamukha mo ang Tito Bong mo, alam mo ba? Ganyang-ganyan din siya noong kabataan niya - kahawig ni Edgar Mortiz. Tama nga yung sinabi niya na ang gagwapa niyo! I remember him say:' Alam mo, kung nagkaanak tayo, sing gagwapo at gaganda din ng mga anak ni Ronnie.' Aaminin ko, kinilig ako don."
Two years later, Clara's daughter and I became a couple and later on, we became live-in partners. And I guess this isn't our story so i have to strike-out our relationship details.
One day, while me and Sue were cleaning the house, we happen to come across Mama Clara's old journal. We decided to read it. (How I wish I could get that journal, but Sue and I aren't in good terms so I'd write the details, as best as I can.)
Extraction from Clara's Journal:
November 1968
"This is the first time someone treated me like this. He made me do his laundry for him. I obeyed. Honestly, I don't know what it is in him that continually puts me in the position in which I have no control over my own mind. Considering that, me: a father's girl, someone who grew-up getting what she wants, someone who did everything flawlessly, someone who never once did the dishes; yet, I did it. Really, what is in him? Perhaps, it's that air in him that makes me feel awed, helpless, powerless... Just like a king to a humble servant. With a word from him: he rips me apart, and, at the same time, makes me whole."
There was this hint of masochism in her as we skimmed through the journal. She wrote about how Bong would make her wear long-sleeves and loose pants, considering that she attended a reputable school which has strict rules regarding uniforms; The day when he would take her to the talahiban, make love there, and Bong would go home with a toad in his hand and make a handle on why his pants happen to be muddy. She also wrote about how his family didn't like her (although she never knew the reason why), especially his mother.
There are several entries that caught my eye. I'll write it down (again, as best as I could) so that you'll have a clue on how their lives together went.
Condensed from Clara's Journal:
May 1970
"He locked me inside his closet today. I felt scared. But from what or whom, I don't know. Many people say that humans, throughout their existence, has this basic fear of the dark. Somehow, today, inside that cabinet in which the only light I was able to see came from the gap of the doors. I noticed that it wasn't the darkness that surrounded me that I feared. Perhaps, a little for the thought of: his mother catching me inside his son's bedroom; but that wasn't it either.
He left me there for three hours. Three hours I waited. How cruel can he be? Something inside me says that I should break-up with him, but, through the course of time that I was there, there's this still voice which constantly reminded me that, if I ever should leave him, I'd die in an instant. I also felt this feeling of being safe, even though he wasn't there physically, I felt his protection. And as the darkness embraced me there, I felt his arms around me. Him and the darkness, enveloping me with such silence and calm that I never want to go out anymore. It was, somehow, bliss."
A few entries went by. Page by page, their lives unfolded, his or hers - whichever. The counting of dates demonstrated how she was so madly-in-love with him.
Clara, right from the start, was sweet to Bong. She would buy him gucci, rolex, english leather... Whatever he wished for, Clara gave. But there's this entry where he gave something that she can't. Perhaps it's the feeling of pushing and pulling away of his emotions that made Clara fall so deep.
From Clara's Journal:
April 1971
"He took me to antipolo. It was unexpected. It surprised me a lot really. It was like that vacant lot near their home but the grass was a little bit shorter. The sky was magnificent. I never saw so many stars in my entire life. And the view - stunning. We lay there on the hood of his car. He lit up a cigarette, and, to my surprise, he handed it to me. I never have tried smoking before, and I don't want to acquire the habit either, but I puffed it anyways. I asked him why he did that. He said that it was his way of saying that everything he is is also me, everything he owns is mine, everything that I am is he, after all, we are but one. I can't quite get it - what he meant - but somehow, It touched me.
We just laid there. How many minutes or hours have passed, I don't know. I looked at him at first, but I got bored and decided to look at the stars, but instead of seeing the stars, and ever since the first time he locked me inside his closet, and without talking, I looked through him. His soul. His sky and mine. They might be different, the dark and stars. But they are called to be one - the night sky."
She was consumed by her love for Kuya Bong or that's how I interpreted her journal's entries. I don't know what gives, but something in being hurt by him makes her want more. This is only an opinion: Put your feet on Jesus' sandals, and experience his life for just a moment. All of us that he loved put him on that cross; isn't that how it went? Maybe true-love is being one with the pain - giving yourself and more to the one/s you love even if it hurts. It's not about the question of where's the happiness?, or why experience pain if you have the choice to run away from it? Perhaps, love is about enduring the pain that the ones you love put you through. Or maybe I'm wrong. (hehehe.. twisted, ei?)
Another entry from Clara's Journal (last entry that i want to share):
January 1973
"I let him go already. I give-up! He won. And I must go on with my life. Truly: Life is the greatest teacher, relationships are the greatest schools, and as we tend to yearn for more knowledge, we venture into this world with blind faith searching for the best school that can provide the best teacher, and thus, the wisdom of Us (our humanity). I gave my faith in that school for I knew that it will give me the knowledge that I was looking for: But I was unwise to venture into it. Oh life, did that school cost me so dearly. I paid it in full - with my heart."
That was the shortest entry in her diary. And I don't want to write the rest anymore. After all, this is an entry for Love Struck and not Maalaala mo kaya. LOL (perhaps, one day, when I write a little better and not this amateurish, I'd finish the story and have it published as a book. Huwooooow.. dream on joaqs, dream on!)
So, let me move on with the rest of the story.
I often like stories with a sense of recurring so I'd continue the story with a snip from the start.
"Kamukha mo ang Tito Bong mo, alam mo ba? Ganyang-ganyan din siya noong kabataan niya - kahawig ni Edgar Mortiz. Tama nga yung sinabi niya na ang gagwapa niyo! I remember him say:' Alam mo, kung nagkaanak tayo, sing gagwapo at gaganda din ng mga anak ni Ronnie.' Aaminin ko, kinilig ako don." Clara said. "Bakit? Kasi Maganda ako? At, kilala mo naman 'yang tito mo, komedyante... Sagot ba naman sakin eh: Hindi! Dahil gwapo ako!"
I went out to go to the bathroom and, as I went back, I overheard a conversation between Clara and somebody I didn't know (who happened to be the one who found Kuya Bong and brought him to the hospital.)
"We saw each other two weeks ago. It was so funny. I just arrived from Italy and two days after, I received an unexpected call from him. Saan niya kaya nakuha ang number ko? Eh ayun, umamin na tinanong niya daw sa sister ko. He asked me if we could meet up sometime soon. So, ayun, nagkita kami."
"Ano po ang nangyari pagkatapos?"
And she went on and on... Somehow, that date went on like this ( as Sue asked her mamita about the story [though it hehrtzzz her so 'coz she wanted her dad and mamita to be together again] and so she gave-in):
I arrived thirty-minutes earlier, as always. Ordered an orange-juice and waited for him. "Why be excited when he hurt you so bad that it almost ruined your life"?, But it's been thirty years, can't I forgive him?, "What's taking him so long?" and so those questions ran through my head like crazy.
Bong arrived there an hour-and-a-half, dressed well but not built well. He gained weight... And so did I. It was the first time in years that I was conscious of how I looked physically. "I was 105 lbs. back then, 145 lbs today. So, what's 40 pounds?", I was saying this to myself while feasting my eyes on him. He still has my heart.
We started-off telling our lives after THAT incident. I was surprised na binata pa siya. I remember saying: "Sa gwapo mo na yan eh walang pumatol sa'yo?"
"Wala. Binobola mo pa ako!"
"You know, I got married once. Had a kid. Pero di kita malimutan."
"Ikaw lang ba?"
"I forgot. Gago yung napangasawa ko, winawaldas ang pera ko. Isama pa yung tatlo niyang anak! Teka, kamusta na nga pala si Ronnie?"
"Ayun... Ang gaganda ng anak niya..."
"Ganon ba?"
"Cla, papano kaya kung nagkaanak tayo ano? Siguro sing gagwapo't 'sing gaganda din ng mga anak ni Ronnie."
"Bakehhht? Dahil maganda ako?"
"Hinde! Dahil gwapo ako."
And we talked and talked. I learned that he didn't have another girlfriend ever since he split-up with that girl he replaced me with. He also told me that he went on drinking, smoking and gambling until he realized that his inheritance was almost diminished. Poor him. With that, It allowed me some space for wonderment; another illusion of mine: Ano nga kaya kung kami ang nagkatuluyan?
After the superb lunch we just had, we decided to go to our old "places" and reminisce. But before that, past the glass door, Bong pulled out two sticks of cigarette. I knew where he was going with that gesture. It simply reminded me of that boy who'll look up the sky and huff circles of smoke or, perhaps, those moments when he used to take me to antipolo. Though reluctant, as I felt that darkness, and the fear of dying, I asked him in a now more domineering manner: Tigil mo na yan!
To my surprise, he threw the cigarettes on the pavement and smiled before saying: Sige... this time, ikaw naman ang pagbibigyan ko.
That touched me to the bone. I don't know where my heart went ever since our broke-up. Probably, it was still with him all along.
Let's go back to that sullen day where people looked at her scornfully, as they did till Kuya Bong's funeral.
"Napadaan kami sa mall. Edi ayon, nagkukulitan kami habang naglalakad. And we happened to pass-by a flower shop. Alam mo ba ang ginawa ng loko mong tito?" Clara, excited to tell what's going to happen next, said to Terong:
"Bumili siya ng tatlong tulips at iniabot sa akin. You know kids, it was the first time that your tito Bong bought me flowers."
"Talaga po?", said Anne (Terong's sister)
"Yes. I can never describe how happy I was that day."
"Alam niyo po, huminto na si tito mag-yosi two weeks ago, tapos po nagsisimba pa siya sa 5' o clock mass everyday. Nakakalungkot nga po na doon pa siya inabot ng atake.", said Anne, with a bit of reluctance.
Clara cried. The next day, when she woke-up, on that lone bench where only a few dared to sit, she said: "Sorry, naging busy ako... Kung alam ko lang..."
I remember: Terong and I found an unsent message on Kuya Bong's outbox which read
- "Is it too late for us? How does it feel like to be married, I wonder."
I remember that humid day of nine years ago: I met this beautiful young woman at a day life brought about a closure to a story.
As they say, when one door closes, another one opens.
I remember once that day so vividly. I can still feel the sun on my skin and the freezing of again of a melting heart who used to be frozen. A heart of a woman that died and lived again.
At a funeral, with a far-away look and a certain glare in her eyes (which I took as happiness), she was looking at someone or something. Perhaps, it was that capricious teen, who looked liked Edgar Mortiz, who used to play "let's throw mud at each other" with her; or the puppet master who made her do things that she never imagined doing, yet did it for she felt that it was a matter of life and death; or perhaps, it was that boy from thirty years ago that appeared before her, taking her hand, and in a breath of tenderness said: "Will you marry me?"
"Truly: Life is the greatest teacher, relationships are the greatest schools, and as we tend to yearn for more knowledge, we venture into this world with blind faith searching for the best school that can provide the best teacher, and thus, the wisdom of Us. I gave my faith in that school for I knew that it will give me the knowledge that I was looking for: But I was unwise to venture into it. Oh life, did that school cost me so dearly. I paid it in full - with my heart."
"But, if ever so you fail, Life considers - Giving you that second chance to learn. It's up to you to decide: Learn again and this time, pass, or let it slip away."
please.. i do not want to end up like Clara.. i'm scared hehe :D
How does one recognize an ending? In life, there are so many defining moments that one can see as the end. The end of a friendship, the end of a relationship, the end of an affair, the end of a project, the end of an event, the end of a party.
Some endings are easily recognizable. You say goodbye at the end of a gathering or a party and then go home. The party ends and you tuck it away in your memory. There is the end of a work day when all the work (and the stress that accompanies it) during the day comes to a close. There's also the end of a meal when you've cleaned up your plate and your stomach feels satisfied.
If only all endings were as simple as the end of a meal.
But there are long-drawn out endings that seem to last forever. In movies, that kind of ending elicits yawns, a shaking of the head, and a negative comment reeking of impatience. Yet in life, those kinds of endings seem to come and go like shadows on a cloudy afternoon. It just happens.
Love and relationships have endings that seem to go on and on. Maybe because even if there's a general and identifiable ending to it, there are threads and strands that always seem to crop up when you least expect it. There are stuff that remain unresolved, open-ended and continue to be so like an unending epilogue.
But how does one recognize endings when it comes to love and relationships?
Is it a simple goodbye? Or a mere silence followed by an absence? It is never that simple.
When it comes to the end of love and relationships, there's a million of endings that go on and on. It comes when you look at a calendar and realize that a week, a month has gone by without any glimpse of the object of your love. It hits you when you see a place you've been to with your loved one and you grapple with the memory that has begun to fade into a gauze-like movie screen. It happens when you try to find something of his that is no longer there. An ending gets to you when you hear stories about him and there's no mention or question about you.
It may take a long time for love to come to an end and when it finally does, you can only hope that you've forgotten the actual moment it first ended because if you don't, the pain comes rushing back and you are faced with another bout of endings.
+++
We laugh. When we do laugh, even for a moment, it is as if everything is alright. It is as if there's no room for trouble, no room for sadness, no room for despair. Why don't we then laugh more often?
Finding humor in a world that's filled with sadness is as hard as finding a taxi in Makati on a Friday night payday. We know there's a reason to be glad (because we just got our hard-earned money) and yet we can't help but be sad and angry (because we can't get to where we can have fun and spend our cash) while waiting. It's so hard to laugh when we can't get to where we are supposed to go (because a taxi refuses to get us there).
But enough about taxis.
When we are in a relationship there comes a time when we inadvertently ask our partner if they are happy. It's not really because we want to know if they are, but we ask because we want to know if we are happy. How do we measure happiness? Why do we need to quantify the amount of happiness we get?
In a relationship, we sometimes measure happiness by the moments we laugh with our partner. We laugh at a funny movie, an amusing anecdote, a hilarious joke, a weird picture. When we laugh together, it's as if sadness is impossible to creep into our relationship.
And then, we also measure happiness in the moments we are silent together. Lying in bed together, looking at him when he is sleeping, reading different books. It's a kind of silence that comforts and makes your heart exclaim that this is happiness.
We also measure happiness by the long talks we have. The times when we agree on an idea, a story, a film, a situation, anything. We say to ourselves, we think alike. We are happy.
But the arguments come, the disagreements. The laughter becomes sarcastic, the silences strained, the talks become painful. We then ask, is he still happy with me? But what we want to really ask is, am I still happy? So, we prod and ask and question, wanting to hear from our partner what we can't articulate ourselves: I'm not happy anymore.
What we fail to understand is that the measure our happiness should never depend on our partner. When we expect that our relationship is the yardstick of our happiness, we are doomed to be sad. Because we tend to measure our next sense of joy based on the fleeting moments of happiness that we have experienced. We can't let go of the previous sense of happiness that the small joys we do experience later is never savored for what it brings us at that moment.
Happiness is fleeting.It comes and then it is gone.Memory does not do it justice. It only lets you sense it through hazy eyes. Maybe the idea is to never measure happiness. Maybe we should just let it engulf us when those moments come and afterwards fondly say goodbye to it as we move on with our lives.
Maybe happiness is that taxi that agrees to take us to wherever on payday Friday in Makati. It is elusive. But it is there. We just have to wait. And when we do get it...
...we ought to do our best...
...to not mind the fuckin' traffic.
+++
It brews for the longest time. It lingers and wanes. Letting go is not a moment one instantly recognizes. It's not one jolt of pain similar to the pulling of a band-aid from a healing wound. It's more like a stiff neck that builds up and becomes excruciating then lingers before totally disappearing.
The act of love or the emotion of love can blind one to the reality of things. That's why the adage goes, Love is blind. But it's not just the eyes that gets blinded. The nose, the skin, the ears, the tongue, all senses become blind to the faults of the one you love. You do see and feel the faults. You hear the lies. You taste the betrayal. Yet when you love, you ignore the bitterness, you shrug off the voices that inform you of the truth. Truths that have always been there.
You remain delusional. Enamored by the illusion of hope. Titillated by the idea of love working its magic. But magic is ephemeral. It doesn't last. When the illusion has faded, when the trick has been done, you only see the props used being put away and the worn costumes that don't dazzle without the stage lights.
The moment of letting go comes in spurts. Spurts that can be months apart or days in between. But when it happens, it happens when you're alone. You try to sort through the emotions and find the ones that will get you through. Letting go is hard because it prompts you to look at yourself in microscopic detail. You must go through the autopsy of a love that died and salvage what was yours.
One must move on after all because life and time doesn't stop for you to grieve. Grief is the bag that carries the remains of all that you can salvage from the love that died. You hold on to it for the longest time even if it goes out of style. But when life becomes to frenzied or fast and you forget that bag somewhere, don't look for it. Because by that time, you'll realize that your outfit doesn't match the bag. And that's the end of letting go.
pinsan ko nagsulat nyan! hahahahahaha. :D silang magkapatid, ang galing magsulat. i always was and always will be proud of kuya jon. i look up to him and i admire his creativity. a writer, a director, a theatre artist, a painter.. at sa sobrang boredom ko ngayon araw na 'to, pati blog nya na-haunt down ko. :)) ate che wag mo ko sumbong ha. ^^v *i italicized the lines which struck me most.
this was supposed to be a long one. i started a list last November October and i can't seem to get done with it. screw that list. i realized just now that there's only one thing i want, need, wish for this Christmas, and it has got to be:
love.
CHOCOLATES.
a pack [or two, three, four, five..] would do. dark, milk, white. doesn't matter. when it comes to the love of my life, i can't be that hard to please. just not Reese's or anything peanut butter.
1. Say something positive as early as possible. 2. Believe in miracles but don't depend on them. 3. Never allow anyone to intimidate you. 4. Don't work for recognition but do work worthy of recognition. 5. Remember the credo of Walt Disney: Think. Believe. Dream. Dare. 6. Never comment on someone's weight unless you know its what they want to hear. 7. Seek respect rather than popularity. 8. Seek quality rather than luxury. 9. Start a "read again" file for articles you might want to enjoy a second time. 10. Look for opportunity that's hidden in every adversity. 11. Remember that when your mom says "you'll regret it," you probably will. 12. On your birthday, send your mom a thank you card. 13. Never let the odds stop you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do. 14. Be happy with what you have while working on what you want. 15. Celebrate even small victories. 16. Don't forget that a couple of words of praise or encouragement can make someone's day. 17. Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside. 18. When in doubt, smile. 19. If it's not a beautiful morning, let your cheerfulness make it beautiful. 20. Marry someone your equal or a little bit better. 21. Remember that a minute of anger denies you 60 seconds of happiness. 22. Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. 23. Don't write something you dont want others to read. 24. When taking a true-false test, remember that any statement that includes the word any, all, always, never or ever is usually false. 25. Never tell anybody they can't sing. 26. Become the world's most thoughtful friend. 27. Remember that anything worth doing is going to take longer than you think. 28. Remember that bad luck as well as good luck seldom lasts long. 29. Root for your team to win, not for the other team to lose. 30. Accept triumph and defeat with equal grace. 31. Learn your great-grandparent's name and what they did. 32. Savor each day. 33. Share the remote control. 34. Remember, it's not your job to get people to like you-- it's your job to like people. 35. Never miss a chance to shake hands with Santa. 36. Remember that the only dumb question is the one you wanted to ask but did not. 37. Spend time with lucky people. 38. Stand up for your right principles even if you have to stand alone. 39. Remember that everyone has bad days. 40. Marry someone who loves music. 41. If you know you are going to lose, do it with style. 42. Remember that not all right are popular, and not all popular are right. 43. Work diligently. 44. Live simply. 45. Think quickly. 46. Fight fairly. 47. Give generously. 48. Laugh loudly. 49. Pray faithfully. 50. Love deeply.
*edited - 1.09.08 it's a bit long but it's definitely worth reading.
here's to all those who used to be his number one. the ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. the ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. the ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. we deserve something, and this is our tribute. here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.
we listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. we went through the great stage with no fights all over again. we started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. we wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. and when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. this is for us.
here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. we wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. we trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. we learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.
here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest everything, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. the ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. we just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.
this is for those great ones, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".
this is for the ones that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex friend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. the ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. when he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. this is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.
this is for us , who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." (Then later on find out he has a damn girlfriend already.)
here's to the ones who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt.the ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. this is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." the ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.
we knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. we just wanted the one that we loved like that.
here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a shit about them. here's for the time that he broke your heart again.
this is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. here's for us who finally realized that we deserve better.this is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.
stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.when "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. when the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. when he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door.
think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was.
think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.
one day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You mayy think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, butyou will. it's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.
Sometimes, you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good and what is not, won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you.If they don't, you gotta move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully people realize when great things come around, and don't lose something real. Always fight until you can't fight anymore, and then be fought for.
the pc just got reformatted last night. so i'm basically starting from scratch again. mp3s won't play because according to it, Windows Media Player cannot play the file because there is a problem with your sound device. There may not be a sound device installed on your computer, it may be in use by another program, or it may not be functioning properly. nothing's wrong with the sound device.. because there's no sound device at all. HAHAHAHAHA. i can't update/reinstall the driver because i have not the CD and the supposed automatic update from the Windows Web Update site is non-existent in the options of the Hardware Update Wizard.
He's a person with a big heart, and he puts it into each game. He is more than just a coach to his players. He knows he is one with the Thomasian Family, and the Thomasians are one with him. He loves the Thomasians, and from us he gathers the motivation, the desire, and the passion to be victorious in every game. Just for his intentions and efforts alone, ain't that enough reason for us to love him back?
para sa'min ikaw ang best coach sa buong UAAP league! :) wag ka magreresign!
A friendly reminder from the UST Yellow Jackets. :D
1. We are Thomasians, we are proud and loyal to our Alma Matter, we pray for the success of our athletes before, after and during the game.
2. We are Thomasians, we all know by heart all the cheers of our Alma Matter.
3. We are Thomasians, we shout LOUD and PROUD all the cheers of UST to give support to our players and to show the unity of the Thomasian community.
4. We are Thomasians, we respect our opponents, we pay courtesy to them before, after and during the game.
5. We are Thomasians, we wear the UST color yellow/gold in every game with pride.
6. We are Thomasians, we fully support and cooperate with our pep squads, the Yellow Jackets and the Salinggawi Dance Troupe.
7. We are Thomasians, we observe proper decorum during the game, and we refrain from shouting slanderous words against the players, students and alumni of other schools.
8. We are Thomasians, we believe than cleanliness is next to godliness. We will make sure that we clean our place in the venue before we leave.
9. We are Thomasians, we despise gambling, game fixing and scalpers.
10. We are Thomasians, whether we win or lose in any game, we will always be in unison singing our UST Hymn.
hmm.. matagal ko nang binalak i-blog itong topic na ito. kaso sobrang nawala na ata sa utak ko dahil sa dami ng pinagkaka-abalahan. Pero sana naman this time, magawa ko na siya ng maayos..
itong mahabahaba kong entry ay nagmula pa sa mga lectures ko back in highschool (don bosco seminary canlubang, laguna). Yup. Pari ang naglecture nito kaya kamangha-mangha na may alam din pala sila sa ganito. Anyways, sana naman may makuha kayo ditong something kahit papaano. tulad dati noong nilelecture sa amin to. Puro “oo nga noh” nalang nasabi ko..
Girls are from Venus
Guys are from Mars
Iyan daw ang ilan sa mga dahilan kung bakit minsan, sobrang hindi magkaintindihan ang mga babae at lalaki. Hindi raw sila magkauri. Hindi sila magkatulad.
HUNTERS vs. NURTURERS
Men are naturally hunters. Kahit pa noong dawn of civilization, ang mga lalaki ang lagging nasa labas ng bahay para mangaso. Makikita rin ang ganitong psychology sa mga hayop ngayon. Si papa eagle ang naghuhunt para kay mama eagle at kina baby eagles. Basically, men are the “outgoing” type of human beings. At dahil sila yung hunters, basically, sila yung may “aggressive” feature.
Men are natural hunters dahil mas efficient silang maghunt kesa sa mga babae (na maeexplain mamaya). May innate nature ang man na maghunt dahil on the way they see things. When a hunter, for example a tiger, hunts for its prey, na sabihin na nating mga deers, finofocus lang nila ang lahat ng kanilang attention sa iisang deer out of the group. That is why efficient ang mga hunters sa pagtrack ng kanilang prey. Men have a limited view of things. They stick into one prey at a time. That is because, ang hunters, view ay focused, limited at straight-forward. Hindi nila masyadong ginagamit ang peripheral image nila.
this is the same reason kung bakit ang mga lalaki, pag nakakita ng isang sexy, cute at magandang girl, sinusundan nila ng tingin. Unlike girls na hindi ganoon kadalas. For example, sa loob ng jeep. Pag may cute na girl na pumasok, ang gagawin ng guy ay is either, pasimpleng titig, pasimpleng sulyap. Samantalang ang mga gurls, hindi na nila kailangang titigan ang isang gwapo na guy para masatisfy ang kanilang urge na mapatunayang gwapo nga yung guy.
It also explains yung “shopping” nature ng mga lalaki compared sa girls. Ang guys, once na may kailangan siya sa mall, magiisip na siya ng bibilhin before siya bumili. Lets say si kuya ay kailangan ng damit. Iisipin niya yung itsura, kulay, etcetera ng bibilhin niyang damit para pagpunta niya ng mall, bili nalang kaagad. Samantalang ang girls, once na nangailangan ng damit, lilibutin nila ang buong mall at papasukin ang bawat department para lang makahanap ng mas maganda at mas mura.
Ganito ang girls dahil sila naturally nurturers. Kabaliktaran ng guys. Sila yung naiiwan sa bahay para magayos ng mga bagay bagay, at magalaga ng bata. At dahil sila ang naiiwan sa bahay, sila yung “multi-tasker”. And also, girls have a “caring” feature. Back in the pre-historic times, ang tanging ginagawa ng lalaki ay (hindi mambabae) maghunt. Samantalang ang mga girls, sila yung naiiwan sa mga kweba para magalaga ng bata, magluto, magayos-ayos sa paligid. Multi-tasker ang mga girls dahil kaya nilang pagsabaysabayin ang pagluluto, paglilinis ng bahay, pagaalaga ng bata at paglalaba. Samantalang ang guys, sobrang madalaing mangarag pag maraming ginagawa. Sa girls, kaya nilang pagsabay sabayin samantalang ang guys, isa-isa lang. Dahil kabaliktaran ng guys, ang girls ay may malawak na view of things. Ginagamit nila ang kanilang peripheral feature and all para magrasp kung ano talaga ang nakikita nila.
That explains kung bakit mas madaling makakita ng mga bagay bagay ang girls sa guys. Dahil may malawak silang view of things. Tulad ng example kanina about sa cute guy sa loob ng jeepney, ang girls, hindi na nila kailangang titigan ang guy. Ginagamit nila ang peripheral image nila para makitang gwapo talaga ang guy. Kaya nga guys lang ang lagging sumusunod ang tingin. And like doon sa “shopping” nature ng girls. Kaya sila ganoon dahil magaling silang mamili, they see things from more than one perspective. Unlike men.
Lets say nagbaliktad ang mundo. Ang girls ang maghuhunt for her prey. Maguguluhan ang girl dahil hindi niya alam kung ano ang uunahin. Parang para sa kanya, lahat kailangang habulin para patayin. That is why never magiging efficient ang girls sa hunting.
“OUTWARD” vs “INWARD”
Men are the “outward” beings. Like what was explained earlier, sila ang outgoing compared sa girls. “outward” beings ang men dahil they stick to physical attraction than emotional attraction.
Girls on the other hand ay “inward’ beings dahil sila yung naatract emotionally than physically. That explains kung bakit rare or never kang makakakita ng isang super gwapong guy na mapapangasawa ang isang super pangit na girl. But, there are times na may super magandang girl ang magpapakasal sa isang pangit na guy. For the men, enough na ang maganda ka. For the girls, enough na ang mabait ka. Outward character ang men basically, because of their sexual organs. Samantalang ang girls, inward because of their sexual organs din.
Men sees sexual intercourseas 80% physical and 20% emotional. Para sa kanila, isa itong parang “workout” sa gym. Isang physical activity. On the contrary, girls sees sex as 80% emotional, and 20% physical kaya they moan and talks a lot during sexual intercourse. They express what they feel because for them, its an emotional thing.
“SWITCH” vs. “DIMMER BOARD”
Also, in sexual intercourse, ang men ang madaling magclimax. Once they pop, yun na yun. Samantalang ang girls, they could have multiple orgasm pero they can still go on and on. That is because the arousal level of men is like a swith. On and off lang. Matuturn-on siya then turn-off din agad. Samantalang ang arousal stage ng girls ay napakatagal. At ganoon din katagal mawala yung feelings.
Dito rin natin mapaparehas ang pananaw ng guys and girls sa love. Ang guy, napakabilis mainlove. Once they feel it, malalaman nalang niya na sobrang inlove na pala siya. Nasa climax agad siya ng love. Kaya naman ganoon din kabils mafall-out of love ang isang guy. Yesterday, he was so inlove. The next day, nafall-out na siya agad.
Sa girls, matagal pa siya bago mainlove. Kaya nga kailangan dumaan ng girls sa courting stage eh. Para madevelop kung ano man ang nafifeel ng girl. But once na fall na ang girl, ganoon din katagal bago mawala yung love na iyon. That is why mas madali sa guy ang makarecover sa isang break-up kesa sa girls.
SUBTEXT vs CONTEXT
The thing is, a man is attracted physically because they communicate emotionally. They absorb physical things while they expresses emotionally. They are SUBLIMINAL in nature kasi they show rather than tell.
Woman, on the other hand, is attracted emotionally because they communicate physically.They are CONTEXTUAL in nature kasi what they say is what you get. To better explain this maxim, let me give you an example.
Ang girls pagnagaaway, nauuwi sa talakan. Sa sigawan. Dahil they tell rather than show. On the contrary, ang guys pagnagkagalit, walang sabi sabi suntukan na yan. Also, the principle of man as physical beings and woman as emotional beings ang naaaply ditto. Ang guys, nagsasakitan physically at ang girls nagsasakitan emotionally.
Nasabi ko na rin kanina na ang girls, ay “caring” in nature. That is why they are more intouched with there emotional self. They kiss, they hug and they cry. Samantalang ang guys, dahil hunter nga sila, with their “aggressive” nature, nahihirapan silang maging intouch with their emotional selves. Mas intouch sila sa physical self nila.
The thing is, ang guys, hindi na kailangan ng hugs and kisses para magexpress na close sila sa another guy. Enough na ang high fives at pat in the back para magsabihan sila na they care. That is because of subliminal messages na napapadala ng guy sa kapwa niya guy. For example. Sa isang room na may isang tropa ng guys. May pumasok na isang guy. Unseen by anyone, magpapalitan agad sila ng stimuli. At mabublurt out nalang ng isa sa mga guys in the group “syet! Ang angas naman niya.”
May isa akong friend na girl na nagshare ng kanyang LQ moment with her BF. Sinabi niya na siya lang yung palaging nagssalita samantalang yung guy tahimik lang. Talak niya ng talak sa guy saying na “ano bang problema? Kausapin mo ako ano ba!.”
At times like this, sinasagot na niya agad ang mga tinatanong ng girl. Hindi lang alam ito ng girl dahil para sa kanya, kailangang sabihin para malaman. Pero para sa guy, hindi naman kailangang sabihin para malaman kung ano yung problema. Men tries to communicate SUBLIMINALY dahil they cannot express what they are feeling PHYSICALY. Ang gurls, CONTEXTUAL magcommunicate because they can express their feelings emotionally. So payo ko lang sa mga girls. Kung nagaway kayo ng boyfriend mo next time, wag kang magsalita ng kahit ano. Try to feel kung anong message ang gusto niyang iparating sa iyo.
Men are prone to lying because they hide what their true emotions. The same reason kung bakit men are prone to suicide.
PRIDE and VIRGINITY
Since men ay physical creatures, their greatest treasure ay ang kanilang pride which is not a physical thing. Because for us guys, kung wala kang pride, you are nothing. Ito lang ang tangi naming hawak. Kaya big deal sa amin ang pangalan, ang reputasyon ang honor.
Girls, on the other hand, since emotional character sila, an kanilang priceless treasure ay isang physical thing. And that is VIRGINITY. Ito ang nagiisang kayamanan ng babae na kailangang alagaan at ibibigay lamang sa karapatdapat na tao. Men would do anything to have this treasure naturally. At kapag ankuha na niya ito, since man is a physical creature, mawawalan ng saysay ang girl para sa kanya. Bababa ang pagka precious niya. PRIDE for men, VIRGINITY for girls.
THE BETTER ONE
Personally, kung ako ang tatanungnin kung sino ang better sex, masasabi kong girls ang mas importanteng creatures. Kung wala ang girls, walang lalaki. Walang tao sa mundo. Kung walang babae, walang kwenta ang mundo. Guys relies on girls so much. And kahit sinong lalaki ang tanungin mo, walang may lalaking makakgawa ng sakripisyo ng girls sa tuwing silay magbubuntis.
Ang haba ng blog na ito ah. Sana naman ay may nakuha kayo kahit papaano.. kahit na siya ay isng authentic lecture, this blog proves NO THERAPEUTIC CLAIM
Benefit Concert for the International Justice Mission on 10 September 2007at the Cuneta Astrodome at 7:30pm. My friend, Samantha, is selling tickets at P1200, P1000, P800, P600, P400, P250.
*To those who are interested, reply to this entry. :)
this is a re-post from karen. i wanna waaaaaaatch pero seems walang magkakainteres na sumama saking manood. phbbt.
" 'The most important, most critical component in successful loving is commitment. Not love.' "
"It's easy to love without commitment. People do it all the time. Easy to love, to give of oneself for a while. But commitment implies bonding in such a way that one promises to keep the fires of love burning indefinitely.
"It also means shutting one's heart to the possibility of loving another who might even be more attractive, even more lovable. Not easy. This is why solid commitments are not at all as common as we are led to believe.
"In fact, more often than not, I think that the commitment two lovers make are not equal. What I mean is that the commitment of one might be a whole lot more or a whole lot less than the partner's. We see it all the time. One loves more than the other and is more committed than the other. It is false to believe that two lovers love each other to the same degree.
"We have often seen lopsided love relationships where one partner is giving so much more to the relationship than the other. But writers and poets seem to always indicate that love isn't just a two- way street, but an equal two-way street. That hardly ever happens. It is impossible to determine exactly how much a man loves a woman or how much a woman cares for a man.
"Love cannot be measured and that can be a huge problem. You can love someone and tell him "I love you" and you're telling the truth. But how much do you love him? Enough to let him court you? Enough to marry him? Enough to die for him?
"The greatest test of true love is commitment.And the greatest indicator of deep love is deep commitment. There can be no doubting this.
"I have heard people say all the right words, make all the right moves, and pledge undying love, only to walk away weeks or months later. Were they in love? Sure they were. But not enough to allow them to hold strong in their love. Not enough to keep a commitment regardless of the pain.
"A lover gets this sinking feeling when there is a sense that one is more committed than the other. When one is giving a lot more than one is receiving. When one's love is a lot more solid than the creaky love of the partner. When a couple believe strongly that their commitment to each other is rock solid, there is a deep sense of security, a feeling that it's OK to give all because the gift of yourself is safe in the hands of the beloved.
"If, however, there is doubt or, even worse, the conviction that one is engaged in one-way giving, in a one-way commitment that is lopsided, then there is a tendency to pull back and not give as much. And when that happens, love begins to fade.
"In the countless counseling sessions I have had with troubled couples over the years, there has always been the problem of a failing commitment on the part of at least one of the partners. Unless there is the raising of the level of commitment, the relationship is doomed. It's finished. Sooner or later the stresses will take their toll and the relationship will begin to fall apart.
"On the other hand, look carefully at lovers who are still very much in love after 20, 25 years. Their commitment to each other cannot be shaken. Neither can their love."
Vocalist and guitarist Rico Blanco has left Rivermaya, a reliable source told the Philippine Entertainment Portal (PEP), confirming a rumor that has been circulating for weeks.
"But that's all I am ready to say at the moment. We are still reeling from the shocks," the source, who is very close to the group, said.
The group, the source said, is currently in shock.
Final act
The whispers about the group's disbanding got louder during a gig last May 4 at the Metro Bar, where they played with Sandwich and Pupil.
In a message posted by The Dawn's drummer, J.B. Leonor, in their web mailing list, he said that guitarist Francis Reyes got a text message early in the morning of May 4, saying that Rivermaya was breaking up and would have their last show later that evening.
Francis went to Metro Bar that night and texted J.B. after a couple of hours: "Confirmed! It's Rivermaya's last gig!!! They're breaking up!"
Signs of goodbyes
According to those present at the show,a nostalgic Rico said that the gig was memorable because it was held at the same place where an inexperienced Rivermaya played its first ever gig as an opening act for the legendary Eraserheads. (Metro Bar was known as Kampo during the '90s.)
Spectators also noted Rico's happiness that night sharing the bill once more with former E-heads members Ely Buendia (now with Pupil) and Raimund Marasigan (now part of Sandwich).
An intense Rico, in the middle of performing "Umaaraw, Umuulan," reportedly shouted, "Isang huling malupit!"
Rivermaya's bassist Japs Sergio then seconded by telling the crowd, "Lakasan n'yo pa, huli na 'to!"
However, neither the bar management or any the band members issued a official statement was validating the split — until recently.
The aftermath
In the heels of the main man's departure came another rumor saying that the talented singer-songwriter would pursue a solo career and would be known simply as "Blanco."
Before Rico's decision to leave the band, Rivermaya has been doing very well in Southeast Asia, particularly in Indonesia and in Singapore.
At the moment, there's still no confirmation on whether Rivermaya would carry on without Rico or just disband.
There are unconfirmed reports that remaining members — Mike Elgar (guitars), Japs Sergio (bass), and Mark Escueta (drums) — will launch a reality-based TV search to find a replacement.
The Australian rock band INXS did the same thing to find a replacement for its original lead singer, Michael Hutchence, who died in 1997.
But some local music experts expressed doubt that Rivermaya would still have a future.
"Rivermaya survived the departure of Perf de Castro, Bamboo Mañalac, and Nathan Azarcon simply because they're not the chief songwriter," one music journalist said.
"Rico was the most important component of that band because he supplied the hits. It was the same when Ely (Buendia) left the Eraserheads. Inasmuch as the other members wanted to continue, they just found it hard to fill in that huge void," he added.
G1: Talaga? Do we know him? Ikaw ha? Hindi ka nagkukwento. Magtatampo na ko nyan sayo.
G2: Saka na lang. Makikilala nyo din naman sya eh. That's for sure. But not now. Things are still complicated.
G1: Naku! Baka ilegal yan ha?
G2: Hindi no! This is different. Legal na legal.
G1: Ganun ba? E bakit parang sa halip na matuwa ka malungkot ka?
G2: *sigh* hindi naman. May problem lang kami ngayon.
G1: Talaga? O yan ka na naman. Secret na naman ba yan?
G2: Sana.
G1: Grabe ka. Magkakasakit ka sa puso sa ginagawa mo.
G2: Nasaktan lang ako sa ginawa nya. I know he knows and I know he understands. Kailangan ko lang lumayo sa ngayon. Hurts need time to heal right?
G1: Seryoso ito. Mukhang mahal mo talaga yang boylet na yan ha? Talagang dinadamdam mo?
G2: Like I said this is different and I don't have any intentions or plans of giving him up. I can see myself spending my life with him.
G1: Talaga? Ganun ba sya sayo?
G2: Yeah.
G1: At pano mo naman nalaman?
G2: Because he told me and because he does things to show me that he's for real. No man had ever done those things to me before and so I trust and love him with all my heart.
G1: Naku! Inlove ka nga. Pero kung mahal ka nya bakit ka nya sinaktan?
G2: I know he didn't mean it. Siguro he was just caught in the situation and hindi na sya makatanggi. Siguro din he's thinking that it will not be a big deal for me.
G1: Ganun? Whatever thing which will hurt you should be a big deal for your partner if he really loves you.
G2: He loves me. I know and I can feel it. It's just that every relationship has to come to a point where it is tried. That's when you become stronger. That's when you learn to hold tighter and love each other more.
G1: *sigh* You seem to be sacrificing a lot for this guy. Grabe ang paniniwala ha? Daig pa ang member ng kulto. *laughs*
G2: Wag ka ngang ganyan. This is just normal. I want this relationship to last.
G1: Pano kung saktan ka nya ulit? at ulit? at ulit?
G2: I'm just human. I know the bruises which can heal fast and the wounds which are deadly.
G1: Sige. Hintayin na lang namin na bumulagta ka dyan.
G2: Don't worry pag 50/50 na ako siguro that's the time to let go. At the moment I love my guy so much to endure the pain, to sacrifice a lot, to lay all my trust and love on the line.
G1: Grabe ka mas mahal mo pa yung lalake kesa sarili mo.
G2: Nope. I can say I still love myself more. By keeping him, I'm securing my future. He gives me unconditional love and overwhelming happiness. With this kind of man in my life I know we will live happily for life.
G1: Sabi ko na wag kang makikinig lagi ng WRR e. Yan tuloy napapala mo. You are not normal, you are fatally love struck.
G2: Call it whatever you want. I just need to hibernate for the moment. Even though I will surely miss him I know by this he will learn his lesson and I hope there will be no second time for his fault.
G1: Asa ka pa. Boys will be boys. The love and hurt they bring both can lead you to insanity. Sobrang risktaker ka naman mababaliw ka talaga nyan.
G2: Yeah. Maybe I am really insane and I sure am a risktaker. Those who know how to take risks are the lucky people for they will know what reallly lies beyond their naked eye.
G1: Sila din yung mga unang namamatay diba?
G2: If I die now, I will die happy because I have felt true love and have met my Mr. Right.
G1: Akala mo naman maiinggit ako sayo? Akala mo maniniwala agad ako? Halika na lang sa labas. Sa lakas ng ulan sigurado ko titigil ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata mo.
baka nga camyl. BAKA. hehe. galing galing mo talaga forever.
